All Posts Tagged With: "roommates"

Losing a job isn’t one of them

A recent study by researchers from Michigan State University found that college students who are considering dropping out are especially sensitive to “critical events” such as depression or a loss of financial aid.

That’s not too surprising, considering the fact that twenty-five per cent of students who visit university health clinics may be suffering from depression.

The surprising part of the study? Major events such as a death in the family, a significant injury, inability to enter their intended major, substance addiction, becoming engaged or married, or losing a job needed to pay tuition all had much less of an influence on the decision to drop out.

The supposedly small influence of losing a job surprises me because paying for books and tuition comes right down to the last dollar for many of us, even with part time jobs, student loans and scholarships. I know it would be tough for me to pay thousands of dollars in tuition and books each semester (even if you buy them second hand through friends or websites like AbeBooks, it can still add up) after suddenly losing a job or other source of money.

The study developed a mathematical model to describe the reasons behind students deciding to quit, analyzing surveys from 1,158 freshmen at 10 U.S. colleges and universities. The survey included a list of 21 “critical events” (such as the previously mentioned loss of financial aid or death in the family) and students were asked if they had experienced any of them during the previous semester. The students were later asked if they planned to withdraw.

Other events that influenced students included an unexpected bad grade, roommate conflicts, and being recruited by an employer or another institution.

How to survive communal living in university

For countless college and university students living away from home, part of the adjustment to post-secondary life involves sharing close quarters with another newcomer on campus: the roommate. It’s daunting enough making the leap to the education big leagues. But for students heading to their temporary home away from home, excitement can be coupled with apprehension about living with a stranger and being in an unfamiliar environment.

“There’s always the worry or concern or anxiety from the students, ‘What if I don’t like my roommate? What if we don’t get along?’” said D’Arcy Ryan, director of residence life at Concordia University in Montreal. “But within our history, we’ve rarely had issues or problems with our roommates, and we chalk that up to a strong admission process in that we ask them for their characteristics and qualities of themselves, and then what they’re looking for in roommates.” That involves posing questions in advance about whether they’re a morning or night person, among the factors examined when matching roommates, Ryan said.

Whatever their personal habits and preferences, it’s critical that students are upfront in their applications, said Linda Fiore, author of “The College Roommate from Hell — Skills and Strategies for Surviving With a Problem Roommate” (Atlantic Publishing). “Whatever the application asks for — your likes, your dislikes, what kind of music you like, what kind of schedule you keep — by not being honest in that section is just going to set you up for problems down the road,” she said from Philadelphia.

Fourth-year Concordia student Morgan Todd recalled his initial feelings of anxiety and nervousness moving from northern Saskatchewan to Montreal for school and the transition to communal living. Now in his penultimate year of study in business administration, Todd still lives on campus and offers support to residence newcomers. “I think the biggest thing about having a roommate is number 1, you don’t have to like them,” said the 21-year-old. “It’s great if you do, and it’s great if you become friends, but I think at the end of the day, you guys don’t have to like each other — you just have to live with each other for the year.”

Todd said people are “really respectful,” and he hasn’t been confronted with many issues. “Every once in a while, someone would rather study and their roommate’s getting ready to go out or something like that, just more of a noise thing,” he said. “Most people get along, and if they don’t, they usually hang out with their other friends.”

Todd said students are typically advised to talk to their roommate first to sort out any problems. “We always try to get them to solve their own issues because that’s how it’s going to be once they’re past residence. That’s how it is in the real world.”

Ryan said it’s usually following the “honeymoon stage,” after the first couple of weeks, when problems and differences typically tend to arise. “It’s the little sort of idiosyncrasies you thought were either endearing or cute or ‘That won’t bother me’ that they’ll eventually start to get onto your nerves and frustrate you,” he said. “What we try and do is get them to have open means of communication and dialogue and sit down with each other, because they’re going to be spending eight-and-a-half months basically together, so they have to define their own boundaries and limits within their own confined space.”

But just how do students go about breaking the ice in the effort to establish those ground rules? Fiore writes that while it’s OK to have initial contact through email, roommates should try to chat by phone to get to know one another and to discuss expectations, habits, lifestyles and schedules. Meeting up prior to school starting and move-in day can help ease potential awkwardness and may help make the transition to shared living smoother.

Suggested conversation starters include the personal — inquiring about their family, why they chose the school, outside interests — and the more mundane, like comparing lists of things they plan to bring so they don’t end up with two microwaves or blenders in the room. Questions about expectations could include whether they’ll be studying more in the room, tech lab or library, if they’re OK with cleaning the room once weekly, and letting the roommate know they can’t concentrate with the TV on.

Fiore, who is also director of college relations and external affairs at the Boyer College of Music and Dance at Temple University, writes that sharing a room with somebody is like a relationship or marriage, requiring compromise and flexibility to make it work.

“If you get a bad vibe from the very beginning, unless it’s something really obvious like they’re using drugs, then try to ride it out, because you can live with somebody in a dorm room and not socialize with them,” she said. “And then again, it’s a matter of mutual respect, too.” When it comes to visitors staying over, Fiore suggests individuals find out the policies for how many guests are allowed in the room and whether overnight guests are permitted. “Sometimes, it’s going to have to be your responsibility to have that conversation with your roommate if there are no set guidelines if a friend can stay overnight.”

Fiore notes that there are many lifetime friendships that have emerged from roommate pairings, so it can work to a student’s advantage to build these relationships. What’s more, when there are differences, like religious or cultural beliefs, it can open the door to discussion and a world of diversity some may not have previously been exposed to. “I think that living with one or two or sometimes three other roommates that may come from different backgrounds is a win-win in the long run, but it’s one of those things the student is not going to see the benefit of that until they’re ready to walk out the door of the college or later in life,” she said.

“It is like a marriage in a lot of ways,” she added. “The good thing is you’re done with it in four years. You can get out, and at no cost. You’re out of the relationship.”

The Canadian Press

“Sexiled?” Really? University students should grow up

While perusing GoogleReader, my daily procrastination destination, I found this Globe and Mail piece. Here’s an excerpt:

Rachel Fahlman was puzzled when she stumbled upon students camping out on a battered couch in the TV lounge of her Carleton University dorm. They had, after all, paid thousands of dollars to rent a room for the year.

It turned out they’d been sexiled: forced to find another place to spend the night while their roommates had sex in their shared room.

Oh the joys of having a roommate.  Who can forget that special person you were forced to live with – oops – enjoyed sharing a room with during first year?  No matter how many times you hear the whole shpiel about the rewards, the friendships, the late-night girl chats, it doesn’t change the fact that sharing a room is a tricky skill – but it’s definitely a life lesson worth learning.

At King’s, the residence matching system involves the usual lifestyle habits (Do you go to bed early or late?  Do you listen to music while you study?) and a paragraph to personalize your application.  When they matched my roommate and me, somehow they managed to put two people so incredibly alike together, it was ridiculous.  We had similar figures of speech and mannerisms.  My friends found the match remarkable.

Despite all of this, my roommate experience was far from perfect.  My main issue?  There was always another person in my space.

It’s awkward to suddenly have to share your space.  With so many of us coming from homes where we had our own room, it’s a skill we just don’t have.  It sticks us outside our comfort space – and that’s why it’s so great.    I learned to communicate.  I learned to compromise.  I learned my own personal limits.  For example: I need my space.  But sometimes you don’t always get what you want, and if you do, it’s because you work for it.

Here is my disclaimer, however; I love my ex-roommate.  She’s a lovely person, really fun and funny, caring and loyal, exactly the kind of person you want on your side.  I only wish we’d been in the same classes and not in the same dorm room.  I know for sure I wasn’t always easy to get along with.

But despite my issues, my roommate and I, from the start, negotiated what each of us needed.  We were understanding when hearing requests and reasonable when making them.  It is perfectly reasonable to ask a roommate for some time alone in the room – for any reason, not just sexile – but it is not reasonable to take it by force.  Sorry.  Also unreasonable?  Sex while your roommate is IN THE ROOM.  I hope everyone reading that is cringing and saying “What?” and “Who would DO that?” out loud.

Ms. Fahlman, the floor’s residence fellow, said the lucky ones had been given the heads-up by their roommates that they’d be kicked out. The less fortunate had been subjected to the moans, groans and twin-mattress squeaks while they lay in horror a few metres away.

EW.  EW.  Once more – EW.

Who does that?  Who thinks that it is reasonable to do that?  Thank you Roommate, for never doing that to me.  Thank your for having respect for me and some common sense.

According to the G&M article, in the U.S. there has been actual administrative moves toward dealing with roommates and sex.  Roommate contracts and residence guidelines include rules against sex while a roommate is present.  Rules like this are frankly, upsetting.  If my university spelled that out for me, I would feel patronised – this is a stupid kind of common sense and reason rule that we can figure out ourselves, as adults.

Make your own reasonable, respectful rules, or you’ll have them imposed on you by residence administrators.  They are not your parents, and they don’t want to be.  Don’t act like a child.   That’s what it comes down to.  You’re in university – grow up.

That’s right, I said it. I actually miss learning stuff. Go figure.

♫ Joel Plaskett - True Patriot Love

1. My dorm roommate. She’s not going to be living on campus next year but she plans to live close by. Good. ‘Cause I have a feeling my new roommate isn’t going to just make me chocolate chip brownies whenever I’m feeling blue. Like Roomie did for me this year. (I know, right? Aww.)
2. Classes. That’s right, I said it. I actually miss learning stuff. Go figure.
3. My instructors. I saw those guys – the Teddy Bear and the Cactus, as I call them – every day for nearly eight months. I miss the former’s sensitive encouragement and the latter’s sarcastic humor.
4. My classmates. Well, a couple of them. The ones I talked to regularly, anyway.
5. My dorm family. This consists of Jenn, Roomie, Caitlin and Canning. You get comfortable with a group of people and then leave them for 4 months. It’s weird.
6. Drinking. I know, that sounds horrible. But if anything good would happen at college (the end of exams, Christmas, birthdays, Tuesdays), we’d all got out for cuatros margaritas at our favorite downtown restaurant. I miss the laughter that goes along with drinking, not the liquor itself.
7. City X. Gahd, I miss that town. I miss the music scene. I miss the old buildings. I miss the restaurants. I miss the one-way streets. I miss the culture. I miss the unreasonably high ratio of hipster kids to white gangsters. *le sigh*
8. Ordering in. As you might guess, Nowhereville doesn’t have an East Side Mario’s. So, I can’t just call them up and have them bring me my favorite meal. Dammit.

(Image by Mel B.)