All Posts Tagged With: "humour"
March of the Engineers
This is a story about love. Not just any love. A love of… beer.
This is a story about love. Not just any love. A love of… beer.
Advice from the entitled: How to get a job after graduation
Ten surefire ways to make sure you’ll be in your parents’ basement for a very, very long time
The following list was inspired by Trina Thompson; the 27-year-old, lawsuit-happy, unemployed Monroe College grad. My OnCampus colleague, Jeff Rybak, discusses the issue here, aptly noting that there is much more to this story than a punch line. But alas, for me, the punch line is just too good to resist.
How To Get a Job After Graduation
1. Get your name out there
It’s best if the word “loon” doesn’t share any page space, however.
2. Assert your value
Parade just how unemployable you are through a widely publicized lawsuit.
3. Illustrate your social conscience
Suing at a time when millions of seasoned workers are being laid off will reveal just that.
4. Invest in an Oxford Dictionary
C-o-u-n-s-e-l-o-r
5. And a Good Grammar Book
“They favor more toward students that got a 4.0. They help them more out with the job placement.”
6. Be demure
Demanding $2,000 for stress because you’ve been unemployed for three months shows you can deal with pressure. Cool, calm and collected: that’s you!
7. Show your interpersonal skills
Involve your mommy.
8. Make meaningful theoretical contributions to your field
Get your ideas out there and change the way people think. For example, Thompson has shown us that post-secondary degrees and Velcro shoes aren’t necessarily mutually exclusive.
9. Boast transparency
Take after Thompson and put it all out there. Through her fuss, employers who would have been solely concerned with her work experience now know about her 2.7 GPA. So uncheck “private” on all your semi-conscious, under-clothed, deliciously inebriated Facebook photos and wait for the offers to flood in.
10. Be a community advocate
Thanks to Thompson, universities are now thinking about offering new common sense courses. On the table are:
The Art of Lawn Maintenance
Crossing the Street: More than Technique
Colouring Inside the Lines: For Advanced Artists
Way to go, trailblazers!
Alright, we’ve had our fun, but who knows? Maybe Thompson’s out-of-the-box thinking will land her a position at a prestigious law firm, or else get her her own reality show. A quick Google search of “Liebeck v. McDonald’s restaurants” or “Octomom” will reveal that neither is beyond the realm of possibility. I guess we won’t be laughing then.
Manufacturing ferment
For a real laugh, sometimes you have to stray from the comics. Yesterday, I found mine in The Globe and Mail’s Health & Fitness section. “How to talk to your kids about swine flu.” Gold. Yes, I’m being shortsighted. Yes, I’m being insensitive. But when an issue is pushed that far, it’s almost seducing a [...]
For a real laugh, sometimes you have to stray from the comics. Yesterday, I found mine in The Globe and Mail’s Health & Fitness section.
“How to talk to your kids about swine flu.” Gold.
Yes, I’m being shortsighted. Yes, I’m being insensitive. But when an issue is pushed that far, it’s almost seducing a smile. Tell me you can take the Dr. Phil special Dr. Phil House: Heroin Twins seriously, and I’ll retract my comment.
But since everyone’s doing it, I suppose I’ll hop on the bandwagon and come up with my own list of helpful hints to deal with the growing pandemic.
How to talk to your kids about swine flu
By Robyn Urback
- First off, it’s H1N1, jerks.
- Wash your hands.
- Lysol the area, then sit your child down.
- Tell your child you have something important to talk to him/her about. Best to start crying from the get-go. That way, your child will know you’re serious and won’t get distracted by toys or games or other frivolous things three-year-olds busy themselves with as they bask in ignorant global disconnect.
- Wash your hands.
- Explain the history of global pandemics, paying special attention to the 1918 Spanish Flu.
- Detail the molecular breakdown of the H1N1 virus.
- Now it’s time for the nitty-gritty. Glaze over nothing. Pair positives with negatives to ensure smooth reception. For example, tell your child that a vaccine is in the works, then say that camp/daycare/play dates/day trips/vacations/going outside has been canceled.
- If your child gets upset, coddle with your words. Physical contact spreads contaminants.
- Wash your hands.
There you have it! Now get inside, and enjoy your summer.
- photo courtesy of Talea Miller, NewsHour
10 Commandments of the Summer Job
Thou shalt read these rules and obey them – or I shall smite thee.
The summer before I started college, I spent the summer working part-time at a local convenience store. From that experience, I wrote an article for my college blog called 20 Rules for the Convenience Store, which then went on to be published in the American magazine, Convenience Store Decisions.
Anyway, this summer I’m back at the same convenience store. And, to be quite honest, I think I’ve learned a few things. Following are 10 commandments to be followed by college students working ye olde summer job. Please add your own if you’re so inclined.
- Thou shalt not work too many hours. Having too many hours will usually affect how much the student loan folk hand out. Only go for a full-time job if you aren’t looking to get a student loan. (And, in that case, sucks to be you… right now. Not so much in 15 years when the rest of us are still trying to pay off our loans…)
- Thou shalt not work for a family member. Working for a family member can be either evil or great. It’s great when = you get to slack off and still get paid. But it’s evil when = they make you work and you try everything in your power to get fired because they’re being so mean and they won’t just go ahead and fire you already because you’re family. It’s a double-edged sword. Best thing to do is ask a former or current employee for their honest opinion of your relative as a boss. You might get lucky. Or, they might lie to your face so that you too are sucked into the Summer of Doom & Despair.
- Thou shalt not expect to be paid much over minimum wage. You’re only around for the summer and you suck at your job anyway. It’s laughable that you would even expect a raise after those first disastrous 2 weeks.
- Thou shalt not work at the same job as thy boy/girlfriend. We show a different side of ourselves at work. Besides, seeing too much of a person can be unhealthy for a relationship, especially in such close quarters. (Besides. Your co-workers don’t want to see you two making out in the broom closet. Gross.)
- Thou shalt probably have to wear a dorky uniform. Suck it up, kid. You’ve been assimilated into the collective.
- Thou shalt not spit into the hamburger of thy nemesis when they come to Wendy’s and you’re working in the kitchen. This should be fairly self-explanatory.
- Thou shalt not be caught smelling marshmallows by thy boss, co-workers or customers. I love the smell of marshmallows. But seeing the cashier shoving a package into her face and inhaling deeply seems to make people uncomfortable.
- Thou shalt pretend to love and not quit thy job at chic downtown coffee house. You may hate your job and have a knack for spilling hot beverages. But you still get tips and working as a barista looks a lot cooler than being a fry cook, so appreciate where you are and- more importantly- how you look while you do it.
- Thou shalt not get distracted from your job when your crush comes by. “Don’t mess up. Don’t mess up. Just try to look cool and attractive. Sure, you’re wearing a shirt with a fast food label on it but it’s cool. They respect you. It’s fine. Just don’t make eye contact and maybe they’ll go away… Crap, they’re coming over. Oh, crap. They just saw you. Don’t mess up… And there you go, spilling fries everywhere. Wow. Impressive.”
- Thou shalt make plans to have a kick-ass job next summer. This could include book store clerk, amusement park employee, summer camp counselor or, if you’re looking to be creative, lifeguard at a nude beach.
(Photo courtesy of quinn.anya.)
Again, I’d love to hear any suggestions for other summer job commandments. (Keep in mind, this article is meant to be humorous and not to be taken seriously. By all means, ignore what you’ve read here.)
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And on a completely different note, I’m inserting a shameless plug here. Please visit my new website for East Coast music, East Coast Overture. Thank you smuchly.
The things he could teach our kids
Kim Jong Il could give a heck of a graduation speech. So could our dear leader.
We are in the last days of the season for commencement speeches, the annual rite in which famous and successful people urge graduating students to follow their hearts, live their dreams, change the world, hug everyone, floss daily, be nice to kitty-cats and, oops, sorry we went and broke the global economy just as you were preparing to look for work. Enjoy destitution!
The truth is that graduates don’t need to be bombarded with well-meaning but dubious expressions of optimism: that’s what wedding vows are for. What they need is practical advice they can actually use in their lives—real wisdom based on real experience, preferably stated by those who know the taste of disappointment. (Note: the “taste of disappointment” can be acquired through one’s own personal failures or by licking the poster for the movie Wolverine.)
Take Kim Jong Il, for instance. An unorthodox choice as commencement speaker? Sure. But really, who’s more qualified to extol the virtues of perseverance? Here’s a guy whose dreams literally crashed into the sea and detonated in a feeble puff of weapons-grade futility. But did that stop him from perpetuating national famine, strife and authoritarian menace in his pursuit of the means for inflicting upon the earth a raging nuclear hellfire? Not a chance. If Hollywood executives had that kind of resolve and determination, we’d have four or five terrible Hulk movies by now, instead of just the two.
Here at home, I can’t imagine Brian Mulroney received too many invitations to speak this spring, and even fewer that met his minimum gratuity. But think of all he’d have to offer. The former prime minister could talk about the hazards of hubris and the perils of demanding a public inquiry into yourself. He could talk about all that, but being Mulroney he’d probably speak on the topic of “Can Anyone Here Break a $1,000 Bill?”
Or what about the current occupant of 24 Sussex Drive? Stephen Harper has experienced his share of dismay and defeat, and that’s just with a hairbrush. The man has wisdom to impart. Of course, the Prime Minister is busy managing the recession we can’t be having right now because we didn’t already have it before, so I took the liberty of writing the uplifting conclusion to his commencement address:
“Graduates, as you look to the future, I urge you to remember that no matter the scope of the problems you face, no matter the magnitude of the challenges you confront, there is always a way to triumph. Stand tall and remember: courage, honesty, integrity—these are for wusses. A much better solution is negative advertising.
“Over the years, I’ve found that my own chronic shortcomings are best addressed not by personal improvement or sacrifice, both of which can be a real pain, but by emphasizing or even inventing the flaws of others.
Rick Mercer at McMaster University
Rick Mercer tours McMaster University. Hilarity ensues.
Snow Globe
Have you ever wondered if there’s life outside of the classroom?
Pen Culture 101
Ballpoints tend to be the least tolerant of the bunch
