All Posts Tagged With: "fiction"
Raunchy comedy stirs controversy at Western
Student filmmaker questioned by police for online teaser
Screen shot from 3 Audrey
A University of Western Ontario student and his filmmaker friend have created a raunchy comedy series—and university officials aren’t amused.
It’s easy to see why. The trailer for 3 Audrey features multiple references to Western interspersed with jokes about a mother’s vagina, breast implants and excessive amounts of liquor.
3 Audrey is a six-part scripted series named for the house where a group of fictional Western students welcome a Carleton transfer student, Tommy Noble, into their oft-partying family.
It was co-written by Western media student Dave Provost and his 21-year-old director friend Miguel Barbosa, who is not a student at the school. Barbosa is part of YEAH! Films, a collective that plans to sell product placements in YouTube based viral videos. Provost took part in order to launch his acting and writing career, he says.
Continue reading Raunchy comedy stirs controversy at Western
Traffic
I need better excuses for why I didn’t want to come to your holiday party
[A mid-sized holiday mixer is being hosted at a woman's home. The doorbell rings and she walks up to the door and opens it.]
Woman 1: Hey, you made it!
Woman 2: Yeah, hi, sorry I’m late. [she walks in, the door closes behind her]
W1: Oh, no problem. What held you up?
W2: Traffic.
[silence between the two women]
W1: Traffic?
W2: Yeah, it’s just crazy out there. The snow is heavy, the roads are terrible – it’s pretty bad.
W1: Traffic.
W2: My car wouldn’t even start at first and – let me just take off my coat – and it was just sliding across the ice.
W1: You’re an hour and a half late because of traffic.
W2: Yeah, I mean, I’m sorry I’m so late but -
W1: No, no, it’s fine, it’s just that I didn’t think you’d have to drive such a short distance.
W2: Well, typically I would have walked but it’s so cold outside tonight.
W1: But, you live next door.
[silence]
W2: What are you trying to say?
W1: Nothing, it’s just that you live literally twenty steps away from my front door.
W2: So?
W1: You’re telling me that you physically got into your car, put the key in the ignition and drove 20 – maybe 30 feet – and you somehow got stuck in traffic.
W2: Well, if you’re going to say it like that.
W1: I just don’t understand how you could have gotten stuck in traffic.
W2: Well, you’ve got at least twenty people in your house. I was looking for some place to park.
W1: It took you over an hour to park?
W2: There was a lot of snow. And besides, it’s not like your house is so easy to find.
[silence]
W1: What?
W2: What?
W1: You live directly next door to me. You can wave to me in my bedroom from your bathroom window.
W2: It’s so shrouded! You have so many plants and there were all those cars.
W1: Look, if you’re just late, that’s okay. I mean-
[crosstalk]
W2: I just don’t understand -
W1: you might have been doing your hair -
W2: why don’t you believe -
W1: and you just lost track of time -
W2: that your house is kind of hard to find -
W1: and you’ve created this elaborate story.
[silence]
W2: It was just traffic.
W1: Alright, well, you’re here now so it doesn’t matter. Lets just get you a drink. [She walks to the window and pulls the curtain back.] Wow, I guess you’re right. There really is a lot of snow outside.
W2: Yeah, I know.
W1: Where did you end up parking anyway?
W2: Oh, I just drove around until I decided to risk it and park in your neighbor’s driveway.
[silence]
W1: You parked in your own driveway?
W2: You know, that’s a great top. I have it in blue.
A letter to the parents of 2nd grade students at Pine Ridge Elementary
An important message about swine flu outbreaks
Dear Parents,
In light of the recent swine flu outbreaks across the globe, we at Pine Ridge Elementary are reminding all parents to continue taking precautions to prevent the spread of this pandemic amongst our students during the summer so they can return healthy in the fall.
Please make sure that your child washes his or her hands thoroughly and regularly. To facilitate this good habit, we at Pine Ridge Elementary will be offering disinfectants to all students and teachers. Sharing food amongst students is generally discouraged, particularly at this time.
If your child is exhibiting signs of a flu, please keep your child at home as to not risk the safety of other students. Take your child to see a doctor immediately and get the appropriate vaccines necessary if they are indeed ill with the virus. Notifying Pine Ridge is also important, so we can keep tabs on any spreads amongst the child’s friends.
Once your child has been vaccinated, however, they are not completely in the clear. We ask that you keep your child at home as to not risk other individuals, but also to take other precautions. Garlic or holy water will work on milder cases, but if it’s a more severe case, a silver bullet to your child’s forehead will suffice. This can be purchased at any regular hardware store.
It is also essential that you make sure your child is 100 per cent dead and not just faking. Double checking is vital — tap them, call their name, or load another bullet. Again, please notify Pine Ridge Elementary in this extreme case.
Pine Ridge Elementary will also be handing out face masks for students and staff. We further suggest that students and parents wear these at home as well to reduce exposure.
Early detection is vital: if your son or daughter seems to be showing any of the signs of swine flu, it’s important to catch them. Sneezing, coughing, runny noses, fevers, chills, stomach aches, moaning, eating flesh, drinking blood and Satanism are just a few signs. If you can identify any of these conditions in your child, it is absolutely necessary that you kill them at your earliest convenience.
We at Pine Ridge Elementary reiterate: it is necessary that you neutralize your child as a threat and kill them. Swine flu is very contagious and is potentially fatal. Pine Ridge is also supplying parents and staff with wooden stakes for the most extreme of cases.
We remind all parents that Pine Ridge Elementary has the best interests of our students at heart, and hope that they all remain healthy throughout the summer and the following school year. Still, we must inform parents that if a student is found to have the virus and is within school bounds, we will find them, and we will beat them.
On a final and unrelated note, please remember that the PTA has made new guidelines about birthday party invitations. To avoid conflict and hurt feelings, students must invite everyone in their class if they choose to invite five or more classmates. Even Veeran.
If you have any questions this summer, or next year, please do not hesitate to contact Pine Ridge Elementary.
Martha Greene
Principal
How to suck the fun out of reading
I promise you won’t be tested on this
Nothing sucks the joy out of reading like knowing you’re going to be tested on it.
After eight months of university, it’s really bizarre to not be on a strict reading schedule. I’m still in shock. No more textbooks. No more readings.
University is so super condensed that every moment has to be planned. And most of it’s spent reading. Every possible second that could be used reading textbooks has to be squeezed out of each day.
Forget reading for fun. You eventually forget what ‘fiction’ is.
But a lot of what you’re reading is actually really interesting. Like how when oxygen is broken down by your body, the byproducts can actually damage your cells. Or when a queen clownfish dies, the largest male of the school of clownfish will change it’s gender and become female. You’re just so caught up in trying to keep up with the readings, or trying eat the textbook for future regurgitation on a test, that you can’t appreciate it.
I’ve been off school for a month now, but I still have moments of dread, thinking there must be some health article or physics chapter that I should be reading.
Even after four weeks, it still seems like a foreign concept. Reading. For fun.
I’m still getting used to it.
