All Posts Tagged With: "commencement humour"

Kim Jong Il could give a heck of a graduation speech. So could our dear leader.

We are in the last days of the season for commencement speeches, the annual rite in which famous and successful people urge graduating students to follow their hearts, live their dreams, change the world, hug everyone, floss daily, be nice to kitty-cats and, oops, sorry we went and broke the global economy just as you were preparing to look for work. Enjoy destitution!

The truth is that graduates don’t need to be bombarded with well-meaning but dubious expressions of optimism: that’s what wedding vows are for. What they need is practical advice they can actually use in their lives—real wisdom based on real experience, preferably stated by those who know the taste of disappointment. (Note: the “taste of disappointment” can be acquired through one’s own personal failures or by licking the poster for the movie Wolverine.)

Take Kim Jong Il, for instance. An unorthodox choice as commencement speaker? Sure. But really, who’s more qualified to extol the virtues of perseverance? Here’s a guy whose dreams literally crashed into the sea and detonated in a feeble puff of weapons-grade futility. But did that stop him from perpetuating national famine, strife and authoritarian menace in his pursuit of the means for inflicting upon the earth a raging nuclear hellfire? Not a chance. If Hollywood executives had that kind of resolve and determination, we’d have four or five terrible Hulk movies by now, instead of just the two.

Here at home, I can’t imagine Brian Mulroney received too many invitations to speak this spring, and even fewer that met his minimum gratuity. But think of all he’d have to offer. The former prime minister could talk about the hazards of hubris and the perils of demanding a public inquiry into yourself. He could talk about all that, but being Mulroney he’d probably speak on the topic of “Can Anyone Here Break a $1,000 Bill?”

Or what about the current occupant of 24 Sussex Drive? Stephen Harper has experienced his share of dismay and defeat, and that’s just with a hairbrush. The man has wisdom to impart. Of course, the Prime Minister is busy managing the recession we can’t be having right now because we didn’t already have it before, so I took the liberty of writing the uplifting conclusion to his commencement address:

“Graduates, as you look to the future, I urge you to remember that no matter the scope of the problems you face, no matter the magnitude of the challenges you confront, there is always a way to triumph. Stand tall and remember: courage, honesty, integrity—these are for wusses. A much better solution is negative advertising.

“Over the years, I’ve found that my own chronic shortcomings are best addressed not by personal improvement or sacrifice, both of which can be a real pain, but by emphasizing or even inventing the flaws of others.