The things he could teach our kids

“The best thing about this approach of mine, refined over many years of being picked last for sports, is that it doesn’t work only in politics. Deriding a rival as an effete weakling, Taliban sympathizer or child pornographer is fun and effective in most aspects of life, including proms.

“Let’s say you’re up for a promotion at work. It’s down to you and one other guy. And that guy—we’ll call him Ron Jenkins—is using all sorts of unfair tactics to get the job, like having skills and a personality. All it takes to even the odds is a video camera, a little creativity and a soul as black as night.”

[Sinister, Jaws-type music over black-and-white images of Ron Jenkins chasing adorable children off his lawn, possibly while holding a rake.]

Deep, ominous voice-over:

Ron Jenkins. He’s been at our company for 12 years.

He’s had the same job for 12 years.

You know who else worked in the same job for 12 years?

Hitler.

It makes you wonder: what else does Ron Jenkins have in common with history’s greatest monster?

And where does Ron Jenkins go when he leaves the office? Does he go home to his family? Or does he go . . . somewhere else?

[Artist’s depiction of Ron Jenkins having apple martinis with Al Capone, Pol Pot and Dr. Octopus.]

Ron Jenkins says he’s a company man.

But every summer, he doesn’t come into work for two whole weeks—while still accepting a paycheque! That’s just like stealing, except in the legal sense.

[Image of the earth exploding.]

Plus, Ron Jenkins might theoretically hate puppy dogs.

[Image of a puppy dog exploding.]

Ron Jenkins—he’s not in it for our company. He’s in it for himself.

“Graduates, as you head out into the world, I urge you to never forget the only piece of wisdom that truly matters: if you don’t have anything nice to say, you’re on the right track.”