Lies You Should Tell Your Parents

Since most of us are home from the summer from college (at least for a little while, anyway), we’re likely going to hear the following 3 questions a lot.

• So, how was school this year?
• Get into any trouble this year?
• So. Exactly how many drugs did you experiment with this year?

Obviously, telling Mom, Dad and Grandma about some stuff is OK. But the following items are things you might want to avoid when it’s your turn to talk at the dinner table. (I’m not condoning or encouraging any of the following acts. That’s for your peer-pressuring friends to do.) (I’m also not condoning or encouraging lying to your parents about everything. Just the things they don’t need to know.)

(Also, you may want to edit this list if your parents are any or all of the following: unbelievably understanding, hippies or convicted felons who continue to sell crack to support their heroin addiction.)

OK then. Here are some things you shouldn’t tell your parents when it comes to describing your year at college.

1. Drug experimentation. Yes, maybe you found out your parents tried pot back in high school. It was, most likely, the ’70s. Not that pot is any more/less harmful than it was back in the day, but they’re still not going to be stoked that their baby angel got high once or twice (or, like, every Friday night for the past 4 months).
2. Weekend dorm life. Living in a dorm can be fun. On weekends, there’s always a party going on somewhere and crazy stuff usually happens. But if Pops knew his little girl was surrounded by such tomfoolery (I love that word), he would not be pleased. He’d likely get you out of there and put you in your own apartment… Wait. On second thought. If he’s willing to pay your rent, better start tellin’ tales.
3. Your diet. If Mom knew how many times you ate Wendy’s per week, she’d throw a fit. And then your Grandma would look at your epic ass, wince and shake her head in disappointment. (What? That’s only me. Oh. Well then.)
4. How much you drink. What would college be without drinking? A purely educational environment… with rainbows and unicorns and chocolate-covered leprechauns ‘n junk. But if they knew how much vodka made its way into your system over the past academic year (“I swear to God, I have no idea how it got there!!”), they’d be shocked and dismayed. Plus, they might stop sending you money if they know it’s not going towards groceries, but actually to Smirnoff Ice.
5. Hook-ups. No matter how far the hook-up itself went (or which gender it was with), your parents don’t need to know that stuff. And Grandma doesn’t either (unless she’s a weird kinky old lady… ew).

And, just so nobody pees themselves or anything, here are some things (in no particular order) you might want to fess up to:

• addictions (drugs, alcohol, porn, etc.)
• pregnancies (yours or one you caused)
• academic expulsion
• hit-and-runs
• murders
• manslaughter charges
• lawsuits (against you- they don’t need to know you’re suing your roommate for puking in your underwear drawer)
• getting sued for puking in your roommate’s underwear drawer

Any other things you might want to lie about not share with your family? Let me know!

- photo by Will Humes